Night Becomes Dawn
by KJaneway115
Summary: This takes place within a few days of the episode Night.  Chakotay attempts to draw Kathryn out of her depression.


NIGHT BECOMES DAWN

Kathryn Janeway was sitting in the dark. She'd been doing a lot of that recently. Her head was propped up in her right hand; her short, red hair falling over the left side of her face. She was contemplating the events of the past several weeks. They had entered a region of space that the crew referred to as "The Void." At first, it had seemed like a welcome respite from the Borg, Species 8472, spatial anomalies and all the other problems they had dealt with constantly for the past few years. But then, Kathryn had discovered, for the first time in four years, she really had time to think. And she had begun to find herself sitting in the dark, thinking. She had told Chakotay she would give anything for a confrontation with the Borg now. It was true. She needed something to fight; something to put her back up against. In the quiet of her own thoughts, she had discovered some deeply unsettling feelings.

Chief among them was guilt. Chakotay could say that they had made a decision together, but she knew better. It had been her, and her alone, who had destroyed the Caretaker's array. Yet she forced the rest of the crew to bear responsibility for her decision. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She knew that she could not afford to indulge in guilt for much longer. Chakotay had been right, it was not fair for her to distance herself from the crew. Rationally, she knew that they needed her presence and her leadership. She felt the tears rising to sting the backs of her eyes and tried to push the emotion away. The emotion behind the tears was: _They would be better off without me. They may think that they need me, but they don't. If I wasn't in command of this ship, they would be home right now, with their families and their friends._

She covered her eyes with her hand, even as she did so realizing the futility of the gesture. _There's no one here_, she thought. _Who am I hiding from?_ She gritted her teeth and swallowed hard, forcing the tears to stop. She brushed the moisture away from her eyes with her finger. _What's done is done. I can't go back and change anything now. It doesn't matter whether or not I would like to. I have to live with the consequences of my actions, and so does everyone else._

That was some stunt Chakotay had pulled, letting everyone in on her plan, preparing them to disobey her orders. She could have him court marshaled when they got back to the Alpha Quadrant... if they ever got back to the Alpha Quadrant. She shook her head. Chakotay. All she had wanted to do was to take responsibility for her own actions, and do so for once in a way that didn't involve negative consequences to anyone but herself. She would have been fine in a shuttle in the Delta Quadrant alone, trying to make her own way, knowing that she had acted so that her crew could get that much closer to home. That, she knew she could stand. This... This was a different story. Living each day with the guilt, facing the people who she knew she had let down, feeling responsible for their pain and suffering. She felt the anger rising within her and clenched her fists hard, as if by channeling the anger into her fists, it would leave the rest of her alone.

The door chimed.

Janeway started. She was not expecting any visitors, nor was she prepared to see anyone. She looked at her chronometer. 2200 hours. She knew who would be at the door. Only one person would come to see her at this hour, unless it was an emergency. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in an effort to composer herself. "Come in," she said quietly.

Chakotay's tall, strong figure stood silhouetted in the doorway. "Sitting in the dark again, Kathryn?" he asked, a hint of a smile evident in his tone.

"Come in, Commander," she said, purposefully using his title to create distance between them, even though he had used her name. He took a step into the room. "Report," she ordered.

"Repairs are coming along on schedule, Captain," he replied, stressing her title in response to her use of his. "All departments are reporting good progress."

"Glad to hear it, Commander." Her tone was dismissive, but he was not prepared to be dismissed.

"Computer," he ordered, "increase illumination by twenty percent." The lights in the room came on to a gentle glow.

Kathryn couldn't help but narrow her eyes when Chakotay illuminated the room. But she could also see in his face how she must have looked. She was sure he could tell that she had been struggling with tears only a moment before, and she turned away, to spare him the pain of knowing it. She expected him to confront her about it, or ask her how she was, but he didn't. "Was there something else?" she asked.

"As a matter of fact, there was, Captain," said Chakotay, keeping his tone light. "I was wondering if I could claim that rain check on our game of Velocity."

She couldn't help but chuckle. These were not the words she had expected to hear. She turned around to face him. "You must be exhausted from your duty shift. You want to play now?"

"If you're not too scared of being beaten," Chakotay replied with a twinkle in his eye.

She knew this was a ploy, but it was just the kind she needed. She had to stop wallowing in her guilt. "Beaten?" she asked, a genuine smile coming to her face. "I don't think you can beat me, Chakotay."

He smiled back. "That sounds like a challenge to me."

"All right, you're on."

Chakotay motioned to the door and they both walked down the hall to the turbolift.

"I hope you've been practicing," Janeway said. "Velocity is my sport."

"I know it is," Chakotay replied. "And I have been practicing. Seven has wanted a opponent these last few weeks."

"Did she tell you I beat her every time?" Janeway asked.

"She did," Chakotay replied as they exited the turbolift and headed towards the holodeck. "But I got pretty good at beating her too."

Janeway glanced over at him, eyebrows raised. She couldn't tell if he was being serious or not, but she couldn't detect anything in his manner to make her think that he wasn't. They arrived at the holodeck, and Chakotay keyed in the program.

They entered the room and Chakotay took off his jacket, tossing it aside near the door. She wasn't wearing hers, since she hadn't been on duty when he arrived. They each picked up their Velocity weapon and the small, round disc appeared between them. They both stood at the ready as the game beeped in the start of the game.

They played round after round, each more challenging than the last. Chakotay found himself panting and sweating with the exertion of it. He knew he should be tired after an eight hour duty shift, but he felt exhilarated. He did not allow himself to think that this exhilaration had more to do with his adversary than playing the game itself. It was the first time he had seen her out of her quarters in a week, and the first time in months that he had convinced her to do something with him that wasn't a duty shift or a staff meeting. It was the first time in months that he had seen her act really alive. And seeing this, he felt more alive too.

Kathryn had lost sight of Chakotay, of the room, of her guilt... of everything but the disc in front of her that she knew she had to shoot. Chakotay only entered her mind as an opponent - as one who must not get a shot. The well-defined muscles that showed prominently without his jacket were a machine to be stopped. Her objective overrode everything else in her mind. She did not realize that she was dripping in sweat, or that her muscles were protesting. She refused to let her focus drop for one second.

It was the final shot of their third game of ten rounds. Chakotay had won one, and Kathryn had won one. She was determined to win this final game. She saw the target ahead of her and the shot she had to take. She ran towards it and took the shot, and made it perfectly to send the disc right into Chakotay. But she had taken too large a step, and lost her balance, and as she heard the computer say, "Round 10 of 10. Winner: Janeway," she careened right into Chakotay, sending them both plummeting to the floor.

It took her a moment to realize what had happened, and that she was now lying next to her first officer on the floor of the holodeck, dripping with sweat. She turned her head to look at him and saw that he had begun to chuckle. She looked at him and began to laugh as well. It must be an absurd sight, both of them, on the floor, covered in sweat, without their jackets on, after doing everything they could to beat each other at a silly game. Now there they were, lying on the floor of the holodeck, laughing at each other and at themselves. The laughter made her realize how long it had been since she had laughed, and she grew quiet.

Chakotay rolled over on one side to face her, propping his head up on his hand. He had sensed her growing quiet and he studied her face solemnly. "Kathryn?" he asked softly. She didn't look at him. He reached over with one hand to brush a strand of hair out of her face. She shut her eyes and turned away at the contact. He withdrew his hand.

"Why did you do it, Chakotay?" she asked, without looking at him.

"Do what?"

"Why did you tell the crew my plan? Why did you arrange that little mutiny?" Her tone held no reproach, no rancor; only curiosity.

"Because you're not alone, Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was quiet and strong. "You did make that decision four years ago to destroy the Caretaker's array, but we all stood behind you, and we didn't have to. _I_ didn't have to. I could have tried to take over your ship, I could have tried to stop you, but I didn't, because I knew that you were making the _right_ decision. You want to face the consequences of your decision all alone, but that would be wrong. Because you weren't all alone when you made that choice, and you aren't all alone now. You saw the way the crew reacted. Any of them would gladly have spent an extra two years in that void for you. And that was their decision, not mine, and not yours."

As Chakotay spoke, Janeway had opened her eyes and slowly turned to look at him. She could see the sincerity in his eyes as he spoke. When he was finished, she slowly sat up, so that now she was looking down at him. "I guess that I've always thought of myself as alone," she said.

Chakotay sat up to meet her, so that they sat directly across from each other. "You're not alone, Kathryn," he said softly.

"You've always said that. But everyone is alone to some extent. We all have to make decisions alone, and to face the consequences of those decisions alone."

"That's true, to some extent," he acceded. "But everyone in this crew looks upon you as family. We are all here to support you, to help you make decisions, and to stand by you and face the consequences together."

"But I am the one who got us into this situation in the first place. Our being the Delta Quadrant is my responsibility first."

Chakotay shook his head. "I've already said what I have to say about that," he said. "But consider this as well, no one here would still be on this ship if they didn't want to be. We've all had many opportunities to stay on other worlds or to leave this ship for another culture. No one has chosen to do that. Everyone who is on _Voyager_ now is here by choice."

"I suppose that's true," Janeway replied. "But I can't shake the feeling that I should be paying for my mistakes." She hadn't expected to say that out loud; certainly not to Chakotay. She wasn't sure she had even admitted that thought to herself, but she was glad now that she had said it.

She saw Chakotay's expression soften. He seemed to intuitively understand the courage it had taken for her to say that. He shook his head and reached one hand out to caress her cheek. "Kathryn," he whispered. "Oh, Kathryn, don't you think you've paid enough? Haven't you paid more than any of us?" He didn't realize that he was speaking his thoughts aloud. "You've carried a greater burden than anyone, and you share it with no one. Of all of us, you're the one who's paying through the nose."

She saw tears filling his eyes, and seeing them brought tears to her own eyes. She covered the hand that still cupped her cheek with her own. She was thinking of him looking at her that night on New Earth. "The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first." She hadn't realized she was quoting him aloud until his voice joined in with hers. She stopped. She didn't know that there were silent tears rolling down her cheeks.

Chakotay leaned forward very slowly and kissed her cheek softly. He could taste the salt of her tears on his tongue. He felt her grip on his hand tighten.

"You've borne it, too, Chakotay," she said softly. "You've borne my burden and yours."

"Only as much as you'll let me, Kathryn."

She nodded in understanding, in acceptance, in realization that this was a gift, not an imposition of guilt.

He looked at her. This woman; his captain, his friend. She was so hard, so strong. It was nearly impossible to get past her walls. Each time he thought that he was breaking them down, she put them up again, even stronger than before. She bore everything alone, without allowing anyone to share her pain or her hardship. Her standards for others were high, but with herself, she was ruthless. All that he wanted was to see the real Kathryn Janeway - all of her - the good, the bad, the strong, the scared, the joyful and the despairing. "Please," he said, quietly, not sure what he was asking for.

"It's going to be hard for me, Chakotay," she said. "I don't usually let anyone share my burdens. But you seem to be determined to do so whether I want you to or not."

She lightened her grip on his hand and he lowered it from her face. "You're not the only one who can be stubborn around here," he said with a smile.

Releasing his hand, she slowly stood up, and he followed. "I guess I finally met my match," she said, extending a hand to him once more. He offered her his arm, happily, and that was how they walked out of the holodeck together, arm in arm.


End file.
